Lost in the woods with a crazy person and a hatchet, and my cell phone service sucks

Lost in the woods with a crazy person, a hatchet and my cell phone service sucks Current mood: exhausted Category: Blogging Welcome ladies and gentleman, in lieu of this weekends wrestling training recap I bring in it's stead a look into the twilight zone! I love camping, I really do. But before I can come to explain how I came to be lost deep in the Willamette National Forrest with a psycho, a hatchet and 94 beers, we need to step back in time a bit for some background info. One of the things I am most proud of is my Native American Heritage. So anytime a powow comes anywhere close to my vicinity, me and the girlie likes to pack up the kids and go. About three months ago we went to one that was held at the Linn Benton Community College, and it was there that the girlie met Cindi Psycho (the name has been changed to protect the deranged). Oh, at the time I first met CP she seemed nice enough. She was a single part time parent who was fighting her parents for full custody of her daughter. She had painted this picture of having been cheated out of her parental rights by her conniving parents and she was just trying to better herself and her situation by going to college and seeking legal redress through the courts. Frankly I only ever talked to her that day at the powwow and a little (actually a lot) this past week, however the girlie took to her like a flea to a dog and totally got drawn into this woman's madness. Last Monday I check my email, and the girlie left me a strange email saying "It's a girl!" Concerned and totally bewildered I called the girlie up and was told CP had dropped her little 9 year old daughter off at the door asking for her to babysit while she went to her class at the college. Well, with a subject line left in the email like it was I knew something wierd was afoot. CP never came to pick her daughter up. Tuesday rolls around and the girlie left to take the kids camping, and the little girl went with her. To make a long story short, the girlie asked me to bring CP up to the campsite when I came up Friday. On Wednesday I get a phone call from the friendly folks at the Corvallis Police Department asking if I knew where this little girl was! Well, you may all know, if you are faithful readers, that I do a lot of work at the Linn County Sheriff Office, so breaking the law isn't in my forte'. Stopping short of selling the girlie totally down river I got off the phone, and called the girlie up and told her what had happened. Thursday found me at the Sheriff Office and I get a call, to come inside, THEY wanted to know what was going on. Ok, at this point the heat was definitely on! Let's just say about an hour later, as I am back outside doing some work at the office the girlie tells me the Sheriff Office, the National Park Service and one other agency she couldn't identify came to the campsite and "repo'd" my new found daughter. Friday comes. I borrowed the girlies mothers van for the trip, CP comes over about an hour late and we take off for the woods. Mind you I have never been to this place deep in the woods before, and it was getting dark. As I am driving CP is sitting in the passenger seat doing what she does best, rambling on about nothing and I am just trying to do my best to ignore her. I knew she wasn't right in the head, but the thought of relaxing by the campfire and downing my fair share of brews had a way of masking the thought I had to spend the weekend with someone way out there, like Pluto! (Obscure reference and inside joke). We stopped by a store on the way to pick up a couple bags of ice, some soda and charcoal lighter fluid. On the way out the door I ask CP to please grab the ice and we load up and continue up the road. About 30 miles further I figured out CP forgot the ice, and the crazy bitch offers to get out, walk back to the store to get it! Boy, how I wish I had let her. At any rate... We get to the entrance of the campground. It is pitch black outside, I am in a borrowed van and I don't know where in the hell the girlies at. I have Hannibal Lecter next to me and I am about to drive deep into the woods to try and find the cooler of beer, because believe me at this point I need it. So, I take a deep breath, turn the wheels down the gravel road and hope for the best. Now this gravel road ambles on forever, and forks off about 27000 times. Fortunately the girlie made little signs for me to follow, and I used every single one except for the last one, which I unfortunately missed, resulting in me going way way off course and up this little two track. I finally stop when the trail gradually faded away and I found myself in a very delicate situation indeed. On my left hand side there is a long drop off to the Santiam River below, to my right side is a wall of rock 3 stories high. So, with no place to turn around, and a long mile or so to back a borrowed van without going off a cliff, I decide I better lock the van and walk out, and try to find the girlie on foot. Oh, by the way, it was at this point I found out my cell phone didn't have service in the woods. The girlies does, mine don't, so Verizon? Kiss off you pricks! At any rate, I knew I could get the van in the daylight, and hiking is a fun part of camping, but, remind you, it's pitch black out, and my stupid ass didn't bring a flashlight. I am several miles into a forrest I have never been in before and my savior at this point turned into being CP. She had one of the girlish versions Swiss Army knife, and it had this tiny little penlight on it. So here I am, leading CP and carrying my essentials down a mountain pass. After a couple hours I find the girlie at last and then the crazy stuff starts to happen... The girlie is screaming at me, CP takes off into the woods, I am yelling back and saying I ain't chasing after anyone in the dark, the beer is warm (I didn't see the ones in the cooler, just the ones still in the box, so I made due with a soda) the step daughters prancing around nickering like a horse (It's a game she play's) and the boy's just sitting back taking this all in. The girlie storms out to the car and takes off, I go to bed. The next thing I know I hear yelling, it's the girlie and CP fighting by the the campfire. CP takes off her only sweater and throws it into the fire, and the girlie crawls into the tent and pleads with me to lay next to her on the air mattress so CP won't be next to her. We spent a while trying to sleep as the crazy loon howled at the moon, that ain't no joke! It turns out CP hangs out all night at the fire, cold as hell, (it gets in the 40's at night) for the rest of the night. Ok, the next morning the stories start. CP said the previous morning she woke up in her apartment to someone standing by her bed holding a gun to her head, and then at night, when we were sleeping, she "went for a walk" and ended up at some strange cabin deep in the woods and some hermit held her at bay with a rifle. She somehow got away and comes back to the campsite and instead of waking us up to tell us there is a scary hobbit at large, she just hangs by the fire. Let me get this straight, she wakes up to guns, ends the day miles away from home, deep in the woods with a gun pointed at her...boy this girl really needs to write a book, her life must be exhausting! At any rate I decide I need to go to get the van so I can go into town to pick up some more ice (remember, CP forgot to grab it on the way up?). CP then say's she feels less then wanted and ask if she can go with me so she can call for someone to pick her up. Of course I oblige, and a little bit later I find myself alone in a vehicle with CP. We get to town, and no one answers the phone for CP. She then states she would rather walk the 70 or so miles back to town then go back into the camp. Being the gentleman that I am, I let the bitch go. Good riddance I say! My last vision of her was a broad back walking up the road, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't more then a little thrilled to see her go. Later, back at camp, the girlie and I discovered CP spent the night next to our woodpile (and howling at the moon!), with a hatchet in plain view. Goosebumps anyone? I spent the remainder of the day fishing with the boy, and getting ready for the extra long drive I would be making up to Portland the next day for wrestling. HOWEVER, I find out the girlies mother was quite pissed I was lost, or rather her van was lost, the previous night, and let it be known that I didn't have her permission to take it anywhere. My cell phone didn't work in the woods so I couldn't call Buddy Rose and Colonel DeBeers to let them know I wouldn't be there, and the girlies cell phone needed to be charged, SO... The girlie puts her cell phone on the charger in the car to charge, and forgets she left the car on ALL FREAKING DAY, so of course the car is deader then dead. I don't blame the girlie though, in fact my heart aches for her, she tried so hard! All she wanted was to spend some time up in the woods with her kids, me and a friend, and it turned into a fiasco! At any rate 1:30 am rolls around and it's time for me to go. I have to get back to work, and I needed to pick up the radar trailer early in the morning for the Sheriff Office. But what was I gonna do? Leave the girlie in the woods with a dead car? So I spent an hour and a half driving home to pick up jumper cables (there was none in the van), an hour and a half driving back to the woods, helped the girlie load the last of the stuff into her car (she decided when I left to get the cables she wanted to go home too) and another hour and a half to the girlies mothers house to drop off the van. I picked up the truck, drove to the Sheriff Office to pick up the SALT car to get the trailer, and drove halfway the distance towards the forrest to pick the trailer up and haul it back to town. When it was all said and done it was after 10 am. But Sunday was all worth it. As a family we had one good day! Me and the boy spent some time fishing, then we took turns swinging way out over the water on a rope swing and jumping in. Then the girls and us boys slipped and slided over the rocks WAY WAY down stream to the rock slide (fast rapids and a curvy section of rocks carved out by Mother Nature) and then repeated the trip back to the campsite. The girlie made dinner (hobo pies, yum! :-}) and we spent some good time at the fire. Well, that, as they say, was that. And how was YOUR weekend? Not as adventurous as mine I dare say! Ok, next weekend, back to wrestling. And Eddie Guerrero? I have been thinking a lot about you lately...Wrestling sure isn't the same. I miss you dude! ~Chris Currently listening : Beautiful Day in the Cold Cruel World By The Warren Brothers Release date: By 27 October, 1998 12:45 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment